Sad as it was, our trip to Munich had come to a conclusion and it was time to head back to Florence. After a fabulous weekend, we boarded our 9 p.m. train with some time to spare. After settling into our cabin, I decided to spend some time in public aisle ways of the train, knowing how much time would be spent in the tiny cabin all night. As I sit here and observe the hustle and bustle of those hoping to make it onto the train on time, many things come to my attention. First I notice the numerous amounts of people completely confused with how the system works, which train car they belong in, along with which cabin they’re supposed to attempt to sleep in. As couples, old and young, walk up and down the aisles of this not-so-spacious, roasting hot train car, I can only hope for their sake that they aren’t where they belong, knowing the noise levels that us college students can reach as we stay up late into the night. However, what really caught my attention was a guy who looked frighteningly similar to the guy from the “Saw” movie series, who goes by “Jigsaw”. In no way am I trying to judge this man, but as he crept back and forth down the aisle, I grew more and more concerned with the fact that he knew which room I was standing outside of. His short, plump stature, round and overly sunburnt face, along with his white “clownish” receding hairline was enough for anyone to draw this conclusion.
Soon enough, I overheard a conversation between this man and the train attendant. The conversation went something as such:
“Is there any way I can get off for a bit before we leave and go get a beer at a bar?” – Jigsaw look-alike
“No sir, we’re leaving soon”- Attendant
“Well is there anywhere on this train that I can get a beer or some water?”- Jigsaw look-alike
“You will have to go up about four cars to get anything to drink” – Attendant
Why did it not surprise me that he was looking for booze? As he managed his way past me for the fourth or fifth time in a matter of minutes, I began to wonder so many things. Who was he with? Where was he headed? Does he have a criminal record?
As I finally headed back inside my cabin and told my five roommates about this encounter, they reminded me to lock the door. However, it was of no surprise that around 2 a.m., as two of us escorted each other to the bathrooms down the hall, there he was, mysteriously going to the same place at the same time.
Yikes! I can hear a horror movie soundtrack playing in the background as I read your tale! Great choice of a scene to capture, Amy.
ReplyDeleteI particularly like that you captured the dialogue, and described the layout of the sleeper car and aisles, so that the last paragraph sends shivers up and down the spine. (Make sure you use "sleeper" cabin or car, so that a reader gets that image quickly.)
You also used wit to great effect, with the reference to couples who could be sorry they landed in your zone.
Suggestions:
1. As I mentioned @ your first blog, start limiting first person a bit. Like this:
ORIGINAL: After settling into our cabin, I decided to spend some time in public aisle ways of the train, knowing how much time would be spent in the tiny cabin all night. As I sit here and observe the hustle and bustle of those hoping to make it onto the train on time, many things come to my attention...
TRY: After stashing my gear in the sleeper car, I move to an open seating area, anticipating the claustrophobic night to come. Sleeper train novices push past, bewildered by how the system works as they search for their bunks. Couples young and old cling together in the cramped aisles of this stifling train. I can only hope for their sake that they aren’t where they belong, since our group of 40 college students is loud and active until early morning hours.
2. Need to amplify description of the creepo to help your reader visualize him better. How did he talk? What was he wearing? Mannerisms? Did he stare too much? Age?
Your ending was killer, Amy. Strong sense of building tension in a scene...